if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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