"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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