Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
