I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
