please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
barbara walters just said penis...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
