There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
