I got chris browned last night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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