if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize