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Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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