I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he fucked my hip out of place.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
