I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize