Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
