Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
