This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
