sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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