Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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