YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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