No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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