Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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