I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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