Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
