I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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