I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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