He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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