Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
