Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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