dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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