Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
