I hate your face
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize