I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
