New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
