i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
