bring money and cleavage
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
