we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
