You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize