According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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