dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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