He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
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