John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
