Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize