your room smells of hookers.
And success
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
