Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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