Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
