People in love make me want to vomit
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
