id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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