you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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