she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
someone owes me an orgasm
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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