This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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