Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
