Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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