put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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