Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
