I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
