she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
