I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
