i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
