Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
