I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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