you traded sex for a burrito?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Randomize
