So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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