one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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