i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
